Grief can be difficult enough to carry on its own.
Sometimes it becomes even harder when the people around you do not quite understand what you are grieving.
When MAiD is part of the circumstances surrounding a death, other people’s responses can sometimes add another layer to an already complicated experience.
You may find yourself wondering how to explain what you are feeling.
Or wondering whether you can talk about your grief without having to explain the circumstances of the death first.
When people see the circumstances, but not the grief
When MAiD is part of a death, people may naturally focus on the decision, the circumstances, or what happened in the final days.
Sometimes the circumstances of the death can become the focus of the conversation, while the loss itself feels less visible.
You may hear things like:
“At least they were able to choose.”
“At least you knew it was coming.”
“They were suffering, so this was probably for the best.”
These words may be intended to offer comfort or make sense of what happened.
But they may not reflect what you are carrying.
Knowing that someone was suffering does not remove the pain of losing them.
Understanding why someone chose MAiD does not mean you will not grieve their death.
And knowing that a death was anticipated does not mean the loss is easier.
When people expect your grief to look a certain way
Sometimes other people’s ideas about MAiD can shape what they expect your grief to look like.
You may feel that you are supposed to feel at peace because the decision was made thoughtfully.
You may feel that you are supposed to feel relieved because the person was suffering.
You may even question your own emotions when they do not match what others seem to expect.
But grief does not follow other people’s expectations.
You can feel relief and sadness.
Peace and anger.
Acceptance of someone’s decision and pain about their death.
Love and exhaustion.
You do not have to choose one feeling to make your grief easier for someone else to understand.
When family and friends grieve differently
People who knew the same person can experience the loss very differently.
One person may feel deeply connected to the decision to choose MAiD.
Another may struggle with it.
Someone may feel relief.
Someone else may feel anger, guilt, sadness, or uncertainty.
These differences can sometimes make grief feel even more lonely.
You may hesitate to share what you are feeling because someone close to you seems to be experiencing the loss so differently.
You may worry about upsetting them.
Or you may find yourself questioning whether your own response is somehow wrong.
There is room for different experiences within the same loss.
You may also notice that your own feelings about the decision change over time.
You can understand and respect why someone chose MAiD and still have questions or difficult feelings about what happened.
You may continue to feel that their decision was right for them while also finding yourself unsettled by parts of the experience.
These feelings do not necessarily mean that you regret the decision or that you no longer understand why it was made.
When questions make you feel like you have to explain
Sometimes being misunderstood begins with a question.
People may ask about the MAiD process.
They may want to know what happened, why the decision was made, or what the final days were like.
Some questions may come from genuine curiosity or a desire to understand.
Others may come from uncertainty, discomfort, or strong opinions.
You may not know how to answer.
Or you may simply not want to.
You may find yourself explaining something deeply personal when what you actually need is for someone to recognize that you are grieving.
You do not have to turn your grief into an explanation of MAiD for someone else.
When you don’t want to talk about MAiD
You may not want to talk about MAiD at all.
You may want to talk about the person who died.
You may want to remember their personality, their humour, their habits, or ordinary moments you shared.
You may want to say that they died without discussing how they died.
You may not want to talk about the decision, the process, or the final days.
That does not mean you are avoiding your grief.
Sometimes you simply do not want that part of your experience to be part of the conversation.
You get to decide what you share, with whom, and when.
When you begin to keep your grief to yourself
When you have felt misunderstood a few times, you may begin to say less.
You may stop mentioning certain feelings.
You may avoid certain conversations.
You may decide that it is easier to say, “I’m okay,” than to explain what is really happening inside.
Sometimes this can leave you feeling alone even when people around you care deeply.
It can be difficult to let someone close to your grief when you are not sure how they will respond.
Being understood does not mean everyone has to agree
Being understood does not necessarily mean that everyone around you feels the same way about MAiD.
Sometimes it simply means having someone recognize that a death can be both a choice and a profound loss.
That you can understand why someone chose MAiD and still miss them deeply.
That you can feel at peace with their decision and still feel heartbroken.
That you can have questions of your own without needing someone else to answer them.
Being understood can be as simple as having your grief met with room rather than explanation.
A gentle closing
If you have felt misunderstood in your grief around MAiD, your experience is still yours.
You do not have to make your grief easier for someone else to understand.
You can feel differently from the people around you.
You can talk about MAiD, or not talk about it.
You can share some parts of your experience and keep other parts private.
There is room for your grief, even when others do not fully understand it.
If you are looking for MAiD and end-of-life grief support in Victoria, BC or online, support is available when you feel ready.
